Category: ‘No-List Celebrities’

Unabashed Dream Deferred

May 1st, 2010

To be the only white female cast member on In Living Color.

You have to be in the back of the cast photo but you’re still the only funny cracker bitch.

Unabashed Confessions: People I Shouldn’t (But Would) Fuck

April 23rd, 2010

The Menendez Brothers: both of them.

Unabashed Call Out: Doug Benson is Gay

April 21st, 2010

Now I’m not one of those gays who thinks everyone is gay but comedian Doug Benson is gay.  Fine.  Mum’s the word, I don’t care.  But when you start fronting like you bow at the velvet meat curtains, I have to call a queen out.

While partaking in Pot Christmas, April 20, I tuned into the lackadaisical 2007 documentary, Super High Me, starring Mr. Benson, and knew I was watching a fellow sista.  He has the walk: the stiff, controlled gait of a man with a secret.  He has the voice: a throat that’s not satisfied without a dick in it.  And, finally, he has gay face (see link).  He’s a classic closet case using marijuana to avoid his gay reality.  It’s okay honey, I get it.

Beneath the Sheets

I wouldn’t bother to bring this up except that in one scene of his stand-up comedy which is interspersed throughout the film, Benson starts talking about how pussy is one of his favorite things other than weed!  Now this is where I draw the gay line: you don’t front like you prone to pussy eating when you’re really a Cockstruzel.  Please.  The only pussy he likes is cat.  His pussy of choice is asshole.  The pussy he visits most is a glory hole in a park restroom.  In which case, I like pussy too.

Unabashedly In Memoriam: Joo-lee-ah Shug-uh-baykuh

April 13th, 2010


All hopes of a Designing Women reunion dashed.

Fill in your own Julia Sugarbaker Rant Madlib then read it aloud in an old money southern accent.  It feels good.

Unabashed Defecation: Do the Doo

March 30th, 2010

Okay, I used to dream of creating my own satire of the NOH8 campaign called NOSTR8 and maybe one day I’ll realize that dream.  Until then, there is DEFEC8…and my Queerty article about it.

Unabashed Casting Call: Grease XXX

March 2nd, 2010

Porn director Axel Braun (take a rock star’s first name and pair it with a paper towel company) announced yesterday that he is holding auditions for “Grease XXX,” a “big-budget (porn) parody” of the 1978 film, “Grease.”118120_r3Per the Xbiz website: The movie will feature five different dance numbers requiring talent to do their own singing and dancing.

Per director, Braun: “Many performers are incredibly talented individuals who have simply chosen to make their living in the adult industry for personal reasons. ‘Grease XXX’ will give all of them a real opportunity to shine!”

A real opporuntity to shine.  In Grease.  I bet that wasn’t on purpose, either.

I’m gonna take a shot — a greasy, shiny shot — at possible song/dance numbers to be included:

Hopelessly Devoted to Goo

Born to Hand Job

Summer Dykes

You’re the One that I Want (to fuck)

Look at Me, I’m Tommy Lee

There Aren’t Worse Things I Could Do

We Cum Together

Unabashed Drag Name: Channing Tatum

February 4th, 2010


Stockard Channing Tatum O’Neal.


Unabashed Serial Love: My Only Celeb Crush

December 15th, 2009


Fuck Hurt Locker, I wanted Jeremy Renner ever since I saw him portray serial killer, Jeffrey Dahmer, in the film, “Dahmer.”  I would let him fuck me, carve me up like so many Thanksgiving turkeys, and devour me any old day.

I thought I saw him once when I was drunk in West Hollywood and I was like, “You, you’re Jeffrey Dahmer–no, no, no I mean you played Jeffery Dahmer.”  And he denied it.  And I was like you’re not a big enough star to deny that you are who I know you are.  Rude.dahmer

Unabashedly Wrong: Kim & Nene Are Not Patsy & Edina

October 30th, 2009

This post was written last week during the 2nd part of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion:

I choked on my tofu stir-fry last night when Andy Cohen, the Bravo network exec (who turned himself into on-air personality [eye roll]), compared Real Housewives, Kim and Nene, to AbFab’s Patsy and Edina.  Pssshhhh!  Only in their wiggiest dreams.  Those ignorant bitches don’t even know who Patsy and Edina are.

Furthermore, Andy Cohen, you annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, you high-falutin’ gay media honcho.  But I’d fuck you–and by I’d fuck you, I mean you’d fuck me, of course.

Bossy Bottom in the house.



Unabashed Sing-Along: Mike Tyson, Meryl, & Jon Lovitz

September 1st, 2009

So much better than “We Are the World,” because “Voices that Care” had the balls to use A-Z list actors who can’t sing.  It was produced as a morale-booster for troops in Desert Storm and the proceeds were given to the Red Cross or something. 

Skip to 3:20′ish to see the randoms come out: Ted Danson, Chevy Chase, Mike Tyson (as mentioned), fuckin’ Kurt Russell. My favorite is the close-up of Sally Field, Alyssa Milano, and Fred Savage (singing his little heart out) at 3:45.

The only person missing is Marlee Matlin (and her gay sign language interpreter).