Category: ‘Why’

Unabashedly I-o-whattttt?

August 13th, 2010

Excuse the absence but I have just endured a relocation from Los Angeles to Iowa City, Iowa which is one of those places where even though it’s called Iowa City, you still have to specify that it’s in the state of Iowa and not like one of those mind-fuck Kansas City, Missouri type cities.

There’s so much I want to say about life here but just accept this image for now:

Bitch is giving up an open-toe, high-heel sandal + panty hose under cuffed short jeans combo complete with ankle bracelet.

Fuck Los Angeles.

Unabashed Valediction: xxxxxxxxxx

July 8th, 2010

To Whom It May Concern:

When you “xxxxxx” at the end of every single email, I begin to doubt your sincerity.

Warmly,

Matt

Unabashed RIP: Custom Car Decals

June 19th, 2010

A special request for when I leave this earth: please don’t memorialize me via custom car decal on the rear windshield of your car.

Today on Sunset and Vine, the Kia in front of me memorialized Tay-Tay (1981-2009), not with a decal, but scratched into the paint.  There’s something more custom about keying your own car which I can appreciate.

Unabashed Call Out: Doug Benson is Gay

April 21st, 2010

Now I’m not one of those gays who thinks everyone is gay but comedian Doug Benson is gay.  Fine.  Mum’s the word, I don’t care.  But when you start fronting like you bow at the velvet meat curtains, I have to call a queen out.

While partaking in Pot Christmas, April 20, I tuned into the lackadaisical 2007 documentary, Super High Me, starring Mr. Benson, and knew I was watching a fellow sista.  He has the walk: the stiff, controlled gait of a man with a secret.  He has the voice: a throat that’s not satisfied without a dick in it.  And, finally, he has gay face (see link).  He’s a classic closet case using marijuana to avoid his gay reality.  It’s okay honey, I get it.

Beneath the Sheets

I wouldn’t bother to bring this up except that in one scene of his stand-up comedy which is interspersed throughout the film, Benson starts talking about how pussy is one of his favorite things other than weed!  Now this is where I draw the gay line: you don’t front like you prone to pussy eating when you’re really a Cockstruzel.  Please.  The only pussy he likes is cat.  His pussy of choice is asshole.  The pussy he visits most is a glory hole in a park restroom.  In which case, I like pussy too.

Unabashed Casting Call: Grease XXX

March 2nd, 2010

Porn director Axel Braun (take a rock star’s first name and pair it with a paper towel company) announced yesterday that he is holding auditions for “Grease XXX,” a “big-budget (porn) parody” of the 1978 film, “Grease.”118120_r3Per the Xbiz website: The movie will feature five different dance numbers requiring talent to do their own singing and dancing.

Per director, Braun: “Many performers are incredibly talented individuals who have simply chosen to make their living in the adult industry for personal reasons. ‘Grease XXX’ will give all of them a real opportunity to shine!”

A real opporuntity to shine.  In Grease.  I bet that wasn’t on purpose, either.

I’m gonna take a shot — a greasy, shiny shot — at possible song/dance numbers to be included:

Hopelessly Devoted to Goo

Born to Hand Job

Summer Dykes

You’re the One that I Want (to fuck)

Look at Me, I’m Tommy Lee

There Aren’t Worse Things I Could Do

We Cum Together

Unabashed Back Hair

December 14th, 2009

Robin Williams, talking about your back hair doesn’t make me wanna donate to St. Jude.